Saturday

I am not a Women?

Think back to your  younger years and what was the first thing that comes to mind on what you wanted to do when you got older? You wanted to be married have a gorgeous wedding, a great husband, great home with a white picket fence, and  especially have  children . Some of us want to be mothers more than anything in the world. But what happens when we are faced with something that will prevent us from accomplishing our dreams and fantasies that every women wants.






In many cultures it's a big deal for the women to have their husbands and especially children. There are so many men who want children to continue their family name. My question is what happens when a women who can not have children, are they not women? Are they not worthy to a man who wants to continue his last name.  Now, let me set the back story for you on my life.

  I was a late bloomer in having my menstrual period when I finally had it for the very first time I was 16 years old. My menstrual cycle would have the symptoms of  nausea, chills, fevers, extreme pain, and they would last any where from 7-12 days. Fast forward to June 2011 I started to have health complications and not having insurance I would have to regulate with what I would say to the Dr to keep visits and medicine costs down.
 
I noticed before June hit I started to feel there was a  change in my body I can not explain the feeling, I just knew something was going on. June 2011 was the last time I have had my menstrual cycle it just completely stopped. Finally January of this year I was rated for a  hospital insurance and finally was able to let the Dr. know what I have had been experiencing or lack there of.



Tests after tests they finally told me that I was unable to have kids, that  I have close to non- existent ovaries. My world came crushing down I felt I could not breath, having a child and being a mother was an experience I wanted to live so badly. I am never going to know how it feels to have a baby in my womb,  crazy food cravings, experience having labor.

     I battle this feeling inside of me that I am not a women almost every single day. I will never will see my father hold my baby in his arms, I will never have mom stand by me and wipe this sweat off my face or hold my hand when I am delivery a baby. My mom will never teach me how to be a mother. On top of all that what man is going to want to be a with someone who can not give him children to continue his legacy?
 
 I know God is by my side and He is perfect and He does everything for a reason. I am not angry with God that I am not going to carry a child in my body or to rise my own flesh in blood. I know there are a lot of children who are abandoned or orphaned by un wanting mothers or ones who have passed away so more than likely I will adopt. My feeling is OK I will do that, but when I look into that precious child I will not see any signs or traits of my husband or myself. I also pondered in my thoughts what if that man I marry doesn't want to adopt then what?
 
So me not being able to have children does that make me not womanly enough? I know I will become more stronger and less upset in due time. I know time heals all wounds. Let me know if you know someone or yourself are going through the same thing.
Thank You for taking the time in reading this article until next time        - Cyndi